Sometimes, occasionally, very very occasionally, I imagine what it must have been like if you had lived a little longer or least until I was born. I don’t t even know you even half as much as I should. So I can’t exactly sort out my feelings for you. Is it love? Longing? Disappointment? Anger? Yearning? Frustration? Usually, its a mix of all the above. You’re important they say. I’m carrying your Identity they say. But what they don’t understand is that there was no solid platform us to develop a liking for each other.
I know that you are a Libran. I’m a Capricorn and that means we would’ve gotten well and you would have been my complete source of intellectual entertainment. Your values were something else that I keep hearing about. I’m told you were very modest, kind and hospitable. We would’ve been complete opposites when it came to the Temper Factor. And then I think again.
Would you have liked it when I incessantly argue with your son, completely over ruling him? Would you have taken me in your arms when I was a baby and sang sweet lullabies to put me too sleep? The depressing thoughts come in later.
What if you never liked me? What if you thought I was way too gutsy a girl in such an orthodox family? What if you liked Sibi better? What if you, (like your daughter-in-law), agreed that I should stay at home for my UG studies and shattered my dreams.
Or what if not? What if life with you turned out to be exciting? What if you loved me, even when I ditched classes? What If you gave me Wings, Lots of good spirit, spoiled me to the core, pampering me and letting me fly?
That is the most complicated thing about our relationship. We both can’t say what it would have been like. If you had been there, showered me with all the love in the world, and when I grew old enough, and then had I lost you, I don’t think I would have survived that emotional trauma. So in a way, it’s still better that we both don’t know each other.
That way, I can create a false reality and convince myself that we would’ve been the best. Every time I watch Jeans, I envy the roles played by Aishwarya and Lakshmi. That was exactly how we would’ve been, I tell myself, had you been here.
So that’s just how it is. It’s all in my mind.
But, every child deserves a grandmother you see.
In my case you’re just not as real as the world portrays you to be. But in my mind, You already are the Best.
P.S: Funny how you never really tried to make a spiritual connect with me. Please help me dream about you. Just once. Before my twentieth birthday. It would mean the world to me.