It Has To Get Better Than This.

“Bala, you OK?”, I heard a distant voice.

I didn’t want to reply and take the conversation any further. Actually, I couldn’t reply. There was a huge lump in my throat and it was getting heavier. I didn’t like that. It made me feel weak and helpless. I sat there in silence, breathing heavily. It was a very bad morning and I did not want my mood to spoil things for others.

“You’re Definitely not OK “, She concluded.

I didn’t look up. I kept staring into the Digital Signal Processing book. She came down to sit next to me. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes and I couldn’t read anymore. Two thick drops came down my cheeks and fell on the book.

“I am clueless”, I replied in a weak and highly distorted voice.

“What?”

“I have no idea where I’m headed! I have made no remarkable changes to my life. Its all just the same. I feel unused. I feel empty. Most of you seem to be having an idea of where you want to go and what you want to do. I’m lacking that basic feel . I’m lacking Reason. “, I blurted out. The gates were now open. My eyes were flooded, I was trembling and she was confused.

“Wait, you’re actually complaining that your life is empty? “

I didn’t reply.

“You have a perfect Life, Bala. You just seem to be pushing yourself too much. You are simply being hard on yourself.”

“I’m not complaining or anything, but I just wish I knew what I was supposed to do to make things meaningful. Its very complicated. I feel like I have a spiritual vacuum.”, I was calmer now. “It’s just not fair. It was not supposed to be like this. When I was Eleven, I dreamed of becoming a writer by the time I was 20.”

“What now, then?”

“Well, Now, I’m not so sure. I’m not sure if I was meant to be the person I imagined I would be. I think I might have over estimated my abilities. What if I am not worth all the things I thought I was worth of? “

Having said that, I broke down again. That feeling of being lost and clueless was back. I felt emotionally orphaned again. My strength was gone.

“You write.” Having said that she stood up to leave. “Remember this. Only you can make the changes if you want things to get better than it is now. If it has to get better than this, you get up and do something about it. You don’t just crash down. it won’t make things any different. “

It has to get better than this.

Its almost been a month since I had that conversation, but I feel so grateful for it right now. Those seven words redefined strength for me. I realized that I have to keep it burning to get things done. Sometimes, pushing yourself to breaking points can actually help.

It has to get better than this.

I keep telling myself that, and trust me, It made all the difference in the world.

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