The Story Of My Book.

Heartstrings is my first baby.

I am so proud of it. I always will be.

However, it has not been a very happy and easy journey getting here.

I always had big dreams and throughout my teen years, I never saw any obstacle between me and my dreams. But a lot changed when I stepped out of school. Only then I realized that I was on a roller coaster and school years were just a beginning of the ride. Life took a plunge. I ran into issues with the world and with myself. A lot of emotional stuff started haunting me. And I honestly felt like watching my entire life collapse. I was in a downward spiral and during the first two years of college, I fell into a severe depression.

Depression when it comes to young adults, is surprisingly dealt in a completely different way, compared to when it attacks adults. I was told to ‘snap out of it’ and was accused of ‘not appreciating life the way it was’. Apparently, it was not something I could easily snap out of. In case you are wondering what it exactly feels like, I can sum it up like this:

I lost my appetite and my desire to wake up every morning. I ignored my phone and I pushed people away. I had no goals or aspirations or motivations. I had lost my purpose even before I had found it. I was no longer that colourful girl who had big dreams and believed in those dreams. And it might sound scary, but I almost lost my desire to live. Life had lost its meaning and it had failed me. All of this transformed into some very scary thoughts during the night.

I hoped there was a switch that I could have used to toggle me from sad to happy. And right then, I forced myself to get my life back. I wanted to battle this dementor of depression that was apparently sucking the happiness out of my life. And just like Harry, every time a negative thought hits me, or I get attacked by sad feelings, I start thinking of a happy memory.

This wasn’t easy at all. And I frequently kept relapsing into depression. After quite a lot of practice I learnt talking to people about this and keeping myself happy. Above everything else, I learnt to love myself.

It happened specifically one night, when I was an absolute emotional mess. That night, my mind was racing with thoughts, fears, scary feelings and I recollected every terrible thing that has ever happened to me. I was flooded with negativity. I was so scared that I decided to get up and talk to someone about it. To get help, and do something or anything other than lying there and crying. But I couldn’t. I was too flooded with panic that my mind started controlling me. After a lot of effort, I talked to my parents.

Today, I apply that lesson I learnt whenever I feel negativity approaching me or anywhere closer to me. If my mind can control me and negatively impact me so intensely, then it can have the same impact in me positively,when I’m upset.

I don’t know what changed or when it did, but I woke up one morning and decided that I did not want to be that person anymore. And it worked. I took those pains as tools and transformed them into lessons that I could apply to better my life.

We don’t talk about this enough. Depression in young adults is a very serious issue and it has to be dealt with the right way. And from experience, no matter who you are or what your name is, I can assure you that no matter how many negatives you deal with every single day, there is always more room for a positive.

Let’s now get to the part where this book came into my life. It was around Dec 7, 2013. I already had a blog and I was posting random stuff there. They weren’t much, but they simply my teenage rants and a few short stories. My parents have this incredible trick they use to make me feel better. Everytime I break down or don’t feel confident enough, they remind me of something great I did when I was younger. And most of the times, all those motivational flash backs involved me writing a prize winning story or how I got appreciated for an essay.

I decided to take this up seriously. Writing empowered me in many wasy adult life failed to. When I write, I can be who ever I want to be.

Yes, I might have commitment issues, but I can always write a love story and for the short while that I write, I believe I live in some one’s amazing life. I am a girl from a very conservative Indian family and I know that I can never be the kind that does ramp walks, but I know I can write the story of a Super model. And even though I am bathophobic, I can write the an adventurous story based on the life of a scuba diver.

I like to think of writing as my secret super power. Even thought it’s not that many, I get frequent messages from people who tell me they enjoyed reading my story or that one of my blog posts made their day better. And no matter how small an amount that might be, I told myself that if my writing is the reason someone’s bad day turns good or the reason some one smiles, even if it’s for a few seconds, then my life would have purpose and all my efforts would be worth it.

And who knows? My story might be the reason for that switch to flick in some one else’s mind while they are depressed. I made that decision a long time a go and since then I have been on this journey, doing what I love to help other amazing people out there smile.

So, to all of you out there, who think you are on the verge of giving up the fight and assume that there is no hope, let me tell you that this book is proof that there is always hope. I’m telling you that every dream you have can come true. This book happened and is soon to be out in print. None of this could have happened if I had decided to stay at the bottom of the bridge of depression. It happened because, even though it was very hard, I decided to cross that bridge.

This is not a fictional story. This is not self promotional stuff.

This is a part of my real life. This is story of how I defeated my greatest villian. Myself. The things that I learnt while falling down and I’m not ashamed or embarrassed about any other following, regardless of what anyone says.It had been a very bumpy journey and given the chance, I wouldn’t change anything about my struggles to make it easier.

This is how I became who I am. If you are looking for a reason to keep fighting, this book is it. This is proof in your hands of the great things that might come your way if you keep fighting and never submit to the demon of depression.

If I can do it, so can you.

Love and warm hugs,

Bala

You can get the kindle version of my book here: www.amazon.com/dp/B00PP8PC9G

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4 Comments

  1. I am glad that you fought with your depression baby. 🙂
    Mind is both a close friend and an arch enemy. It can take you to a world filled with mystical happiness or it can take you down to a deep manhole filled with fears & miseries. It is up to us to guide our mind and heart in the right direction. And you have done it & produced your offspring Heartstrings! 🙂
    Proud of you. I mean it. 🙂

  2. I salute your never-say-die attitude Bala. I know absolutely nothing about your journey so far,but you are a refined person today.When I read your blog,I think of my own barren blog that has been deserted by me mercilessly.You inspire me to write,to express not to prove anything but to show ourselves that we can defeat our inner demons whenever we want to.

    1. Wow, Thanks.

      And as writers I’m sure all of us put in lots of effort too.
      And I’m not old enough to graciously accept all the nice compliments you gave me.

      Love you,Hema di 🙂

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