I WOULDN’T SURVIVE A BOLLYWOOD MOVIE: HERE’S WHY

Let me get straight to the point. I love watching movies. In fact, I find so many of them incredibly inspiring. There have been times when I have wondered why reality can’t be a Bollywood movie. I have to admit, I’ve even tried to live my day as if it were a Bollywood movie.

But if Bollywood movies were real, I would probably be the first person to die and the last person to survive in that scenario. It’s that pathetic. OR maybe I’m that pathetic. You keep reading and make a judgement at the end of this.

Please note that when I say Bollywood, I actually mean all of Indian Cinema (Tamil, Telegu, Malyalam, Punjabi etc, etc.) I’m not against Bollywood. I love them, and although I’m a fan of Indian movies, I’ll be the first to admit that they have an IQ of ZERO. Absolute ZERO.

And this is not just with me, I strongly believe that no single girl between the age of 14 to 28 should be allowed to watch Bollywood movies. They are out-and-out evil!! And give you all the wrong facts about life.

Because most of them are really dim-witted. (Yea, sue me.) A plot? A Strong story line? A Sensible climax? No, all that’s too mainstream.

There’s only four major components you really need to make a Bollywood movie : Five scheduled soundtracks, fight sequels on a train, one crudely choreographed item song, and a climax that ends in the Airport.

Wait…..am I missing something in here….?? Oh yes! One stupid dumb witted female lead . So,girls, this one’s for you. I’m going to be stating 9 facts as to why I’d die if I were in a Bollywood movie, and if you are anything like me, you probably would too. If you’re a guy, please keep reading too! Your comments and criticisms are welcome as well.

  1. Bollywood movies portray romance in probably the most unrealistic way. If you, my girl, were to fall in love with a guy in real life and hope to have a relationship of Silver Screen Standards, the joke is on you.
  2.  The genre doesn’t fit my style. Basically all movies are of the following baseline.  Guy likes girl, and the girl doesn’t like the guy back. This usually results in the guy stalking the girl wherever she goes (because Bollywood logic: The extent of stalking done is directly proportional to how sincere the boy’s love for the girl is) Now that right there is my problem. A Bollywood actress might find the stalking part very romantic, but I honestly find it hell-a creepy. No means No!! Okay? Stalking is not a way to woo girls into your trap! You creep.
  3. See point number two? How rude I sound? Yeah, that right there is another reason as to why I might die in a Bollywood movie. Because in the silver screen, girls are supposed to sound sugary sweet, be stupid, silly and hop around with perfectly straightened hair and should always wait for the guy to give her instructions. That’s just pushing it for me.
  4.  The guy is supposed to fight a villain in order to win the girl’s heart. This right there is another major issue for me, because I’m a believer in non-violence. Maybe the guy did fight for me,yes, maybe he was trying to ‘protect’ me, but once the fight is over, I’ll probably be walking up to him, looking straight into his blood-covered face and preach the virtue of non–violence for at least three hours. Result? He  might get frustrated and kill me himself.
  5.  Too many flashy lights. I might get a seizure.
  6.  I’m lazy, basically. And I can be extremely lazy when it comes to make-up. This does not mean I don’t like make-up. I love buying makeup and using them when there’s a special occasion  coming up. But I would probably not survive a Bollywood flick, because my everyday go-to-look is a tight pony tail, clear face, and occasionally a bindhi (If and only if I have dance class, that day). I hardly ever use an eyeliner unless it’s a day of festivity. But a Bollywood lead girl’s go-to-look, is fully straightened fresh-from-the-spa hair, perfectly covered skin, concealer under the eyes, peach colored blush, contoured lips and big eyelashes. Forget the villain trying to do anything to me. Just the idea of doing that two hour routine every single morning is enough to kill me. I swear, Bollywood beauties, I don’t know how you endure all of that. In my opinion, every girl has the right to go make-up less, if she wants to.  You have my deepest sympathy.
  7. Duets. Where do I even begin with what’s wrong with song sequences? Some one might’ve died, or the country might be under a terrorist attack, and that is when the director thinks the lead actors have to waltz around the Swiss alps. This one logic is enough to annoy the novelist in me. I might walk straight up to the director, and tell him his logic sucks in a not-so-very-polite way possible. So, you get the point here, right? My largely obnoxious mouth might be the reason I might get killed in a Bollywood movie.
  8. The villain. Okay, this might sound a tad bit weird, but I’m going to say it anyway. Is it just me, or are the Villains of Indian movies these days wayyyyyyyyyyy hotter than the heroes?? So, chances are, If I were in a bollywood movie, the villain need not even bother kidnapping me!  I’d gladly hop around and skip along with him. *Ahem*Ahem*Vidyut Jamwal.* So, ladies, please comment below and let me know if anyone else feels that way. I’d really like to know if I’m in company.
  9.  I can’t sing and/or dance when it rains.

So, that’s just it. You see, I don’t hate Bollywood movies. There are some really good movies coming up, but most of them, I mean 95% of the movies are all made of the exact (Stress on EXACT) same plot. I just wish they made movies that mattered. Like real-life oriented plots, where an average not-so-dumb girl with self esteem ought to survive.

And please! For God’s sake, Bollywood, don’t make your villains so hot!

Love,

Bala.

Twitter: https://twitter.com/BalakarthigaBk

Facebook : http://www.facebook.com/balakarthiga.m

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