The Love that I Think I Deserve.

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I’m a girl with so many flaws, with the most prominent of them being this:

I struggle with forgiveness.

I am that type of girl, who can hold on to a grudge for seven lives. I know it sounds unbelievable, unladylike and immature. I haven’t really talked about this to anyone except my mother and my best mate.

Today however,  I had an urge to make a post about the love that each one of us think we deserve.

“My good opinion on someone once lost, is lost forever.”

Mr.Darcy says that in Pride and Prejudice and that one line is absolute genius, because of how true it is and how it perfectly resonates with me.

Not only me, I’m sure that one line would resonate with every human being on earth who’s willing to love people for everything they are, flaws and all, simply because they believe in the feelings of love and affection, and yet when someone proves to be unworthy of all the feelings that they showered upon them, they would not think twice about breaking the relationship off, entirely. You know, the kind of people, who can cut the negative people out of their lives and walk away, without even bothering to look back a second time.

A few months ago, I ran into a serious issue with one of my family members. This was a person that I had been pretty close with for as long as I can remember.

It started out of the blue.They started by blaming me for things that I was in no way responsible for, and things that were out my capacity and limits to handle. I don’t know if they were blaming me for it, because they did not have the nerve to face it themselves, or because they thought I was leading a balanced life that had to be disrupted or because they were drunk and decided to drunk text me in the dead of the night, but things kind of got out of hand, one text led to the other and they finally spilled out every hurtful thing that one can expect someone to say, and I was utterly confused.

I don’t know what triggered it or why they thought I should be treated that way, but I don’t really care any more. Since it was a family issue, I forwarded the entire conversation to my parents and I decided to forget about it. But I couldn’t.

Here was someone, who had held my respect and love for so many years and they had just made a very shallow perception of my life and had assumed all the wrong things about me and my passion.

They thought I was reckless because I was not living THEIR style of life. They thought I was flawed, because my values and principles were quite different from theirs.

Obviously,that is insane. To view someone else’s feelings, no matter how much they differ from yours, as an inconvenience or less valid as your own…well, that’s not okay.

Especially if that someone is a person who has been looking up to you for quite a while.

It’s been long since that happened, and I’m healing. I learnt a very important lesson though.

My feelings and emotions are valid and they are worth considering by those around me. Upon realising this, I’ve found people who actually want to consider my feelings (and vice versa) drift towards me and I’m now surrounded by amazing people who actually tell me that the way I feel is important.

I’ve managed to find people, genuine friends who can see if I’m in the middle of a crisis even before I can tell them about it and we’ll all figure it out together.

I was once, genuinely made to believe that my feelings were less valid and for a short while I totally accepted the way the that person I had trusted, treated me.

I had, for a short while believed everything that they said about me, and I cried my eyes out, and lapsed into a severe phase of low self esteem.

It was a horribly painful feeling. It felt like someone ripping open my gut, reaching in, up and giving my heart a tight twist and squeeze. (<- Translation: Betrayal.)

The healing, I have to admit, took time.  When you’ve just had a major episode when someone shredded your heart into pieces and made you feel hurt and worthless, it’s very hard to start trusting people again the same way.

I’ve been very apprehensive in the last few months and even quite cynical. I do keep wondering how long this  will last and if the people in my life who are treating me in this amazing, considerate and kind way, really do mean the lovely things they say and do or if I’m missing something.

I’ve got to fight the urge to run back to the love I thought I once deserved and adapt to the love I deserve now.

If you’re feeling like the people around you are tramping over your feelings but  you tell yourself “It’s okay because that makes them happy and you like seeing them happy”…quit it!

No! Stop! You deserve so much better!

If someone makes you feel that your unhappiness is OKAY if it makes them happy, they don’t deserve to be in your life. Tell them to cut it out. Tell them that you will not stand your self respect being butchered.

Love is omnipotent.

Don’t run away from it. Run towards it and my god, don’t you ever let it go!

People who are worthy of your respect and affection will come to you, only when you have convinced yourself that you want the love that you think you deserve and that you wouldn’t settle for anything less.

Accept the love that only you think you DESERVE.

XOXO,

Bala.

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2 Comments

  1. This is precise. Hits the Bulls-eye.
    When someone respects you for what you are in the scenario where what-you-are and what-they-are differ by a great deal, you know their respect is not artificial. What you said is the creative attitude towards life. While the others may choose to differ; let them.
    This is superbly written.
    🙂

  2. Oh Bala!
    I ❤ you for this one.. 🙂
    I just remembered the situation thru which once I walked and passed by.. Same happened with some of my family and the only thing i did was I just erased all that happened and I had that feeling that I JUST DON'T CARE.. And happy to see a bold and strong girl like you… 🙂 ❤ 🙂
    Anyways keep on writing dear.. 🙂

    XOXO
    Wid <3,
    Nimi

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