The last few weeks have been insanely hectic.
However, amidst all the craziness, I managed to notice that a small walk in the campus can serve as the best de-stressing therapy.
And While I was walking one such walks, someone asked me this question: “What DO you want, Bala?”
The question caught me off-gaurd. It was pointed at the set of beliefs and faith that I had built over the years. It made me question my entire 21 years of existence. The thoughts that followed the question were a lot more terrifying.
I distinctively remember the way the interrogator (who shall not be named for certain very obvious reasons) later proceeded to say “You’re exceptionally good at asking questions, but you stumble when you have to answer them, don’t you?”
It hit me.It hit me hard. Right in the guts, and I was aching to give a reply.
So I wrote this down as soon as I came back to my desk, and I was surprised at how I couldn’t fill the page, as I had planned to.
This could mean two things.
Either, I do not want that many things in life, or I am not certain of what I want yet.
I want inspiration, nice weather, and a vintage typewriter, so that I can continue writing stories. I want Mom, Dad and Sibi to be happy. I want an Apartment in Mumbai or a Cottage in Kodaikanal, with a library that has all the books that I ever loved. I want a Siberian Husky, and I want to name him Mufasa.
I want to make a living as writer – I do not intend to live off writing for fun, I’m afraid I’ve been considering it as a serious option for a while now. I mean, right now, the biggest challenge in my life is figure out how to be a novelist, without leading an impoverished life or depending on my parents.
I want security – In my job and in my personal life. I just want to be safe from all potential things that could hurt me, and I’m hoping to find someone, (And by someone I mean THE ONE) who would help me with that.
I want to visit Angkor Wat with my family and a few close friends. I want to take lots of pictures and find a writing spot, and write something, from within the temple. I want to be immersed in the inspiring ancient aura of divinity.
I want people to believe in magic as much as I do.
I want relationships that last forever.
I want to find love, that’s driven by purpose rather than desire.
With that, I was done. The pen wouldn’t move against the paper anymore, and I realized I was out of ideas. It was an annoying feeling – I was done, but I didn’t feel satiated. I knew this wasn’t ALL that I wanted. There was more. But I don’t know what they were – yet.
However, once I was done, it finally dawned upon me what it actually feels like to be questioned by kind but broken spirits. The person who asked me this question is the person I usually ask a lot of questions to.
It was bittersweet.
Bitter because I needed to admit the fact that I as not as okay as I pretended to be, and that I wasn’t in control of all the things that have and will happen. It’s bitter because I try hard – really hard to avoid another such interrogation, but I fall back to it every time.
It’s sweet because it turns out to be a healing process and because there’s this void that can never be filled and these kind of questions bring in tiny patches that fit over the void like lost pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
Writing down the things I want, made me realize two things.
One, I have to be a more open person.
Two, that I’m not entirely happy with what I’m doing with my life right now, but that it’s okay and it will surely get better one day.
I still have a long way to go.
But I’m already so far from where I used to be.
And I’m proud of that.
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