Excerpts From a Novel I’ll Never Publish
Michael wrote an email to Kyra last night, and he let me take a look at it.
Well, what do I say?
The email, was two things. Inspiring and upsetting. Without any further delay, let me write down all that Michael had written.
I do not know where you are, what you are doing or if you’re okay. But all of this is because of me. Even now, I keep wondering if there’s someone else. I know, I’m disgusting. I don’t want to hurt you. You were, are, the love of my life. The one person I trusted my entire heart to. And the fact that you let other people into yours, hurts me like you’ll never know.
I haven’t slept in ages. I’m haunted by all of this. You were the one thing in my life that gave me unbounded happiness. You were the one thing I had faith in, in life. And losing that hurts like hell. Right now, I realize you can’t be mine, and in all honesty, I wish you wouldn’t be anyone else’s either. I want to stand at a distance and see you and smile all my life.
But that’s asking too much. So this is it.
I won’t be troubling you anymore. You don’t have to be chained to this poisoned past of ours. I’m leaving. Please don’t blame yourself for any of it. Maybe I wasn’t good enough. Maybe I made a mistake, somewhere.
All I hope is that someday, when you think of me, IF you think of me, don’t hate me. I hope our memories will bring a smile on your face someday.
Take care Kyra,
All the love that’s left in me,
Michael had written his way into my heart. I read, and re-read the brilliantly chosen words arranged into the most perfect of all sentences over and over again. Sometime around the millionth time I read that letter, I finally realized that I’d been looking at it all wrong.
All along, I’d thought that first love was the person you first hug, you first kiss or you first date. Michael’s love for Kyra taught me that first love is the person you never really get over, no matter how toxic they are for you or no matter how badly they’ve damaged you.
It is when you sit in a deserted computer lab, starring at an email you just sent and unaware of how strong you were a few minutes ago, until the thoughts about that person started drifting into your mind.
You’re a strong guy. You’re a smart guy. You’re funny and adorable and can be extremely charming. But all that’s to the rest of the world.
When you think of the first heart break, it makes you vulnerable and hits you in places of your heart you didn’t even know existed. You’ve given this one girl – the wrongest of all the wrong ones – the key to enter your well built up defense mechanisms and agitatedly destroy you.
That’s when it hit me. For a split second, I realized that I could look at it from another perspective too.
First love could the person you will always compare everyone else too. And it need not necessarily be the person you kiss, hug or date. It could be your best friend.
It could be the person who knows you better than anyone else, and the person who lets you in on all their darkest secrets while holding yours safe as well.
It could be the evil genius who knows and has an opinion to offer about every single subject on the planet, but is currently brooding in front of a computer screen because cannot get over a girl who probably cannot spell infidelity but was smart enough to get away with it anyway.
My eyes quickly shift away from him.
We’re just friends. We’re just friends. I tell myself over and over again.
I swear, we’re just friends.
-Excerpts From a Novel I’ll Never Publish-
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